Diagon Alley, it was a magical place. A place that has a shop for everyone. There teabag shops, Junk shops, book shops, ice-cream parlors and lots more. Any shop you can imagine. The sound of the earsplitting bird chirping noises rumbled through the air.
I looked around to find one shop caught my eye. A shop that I had never been to. It stood alone in an empty space. It was a creepy looking shop from the outside. It had a small tin roof, old mossy tiles that sat still above the stained glass windows. A horrible scent withered through the air as I got closer and closer. The smell got stronger and stronger.
I looked up to find old sticks piled up against the rusty looking tin wall. There were bundles of sticks everywhere. Draping from the roof was extraordinary lights that gave a twinkling sparkle. Standing in the corner was an old shabby table layered with dust. Every step I took the floorboards started to creak. The harsh smell of dead rats filled the air. As I ran my finger along the rugged edge of a small table. I could feel the sharp splinters slicing into my bare skin. The air was hot and mucky. It was hard to breathe. I felt like I was been watched at all times by eyes sticking straight through the wall, glaring at me from all directions. A cold shiver ran down my spine as I looked around the historical looking shop.
Located in the corner of the old shop was some signs on display that said ‘ two broomsticks for $5.’ I quickly made my way in that direction when an old lady appears out of nowhere. She had grey, buffy hair sticking right out of her head, her eyes were bulging out of her sockets, she had had long pointy fingernails. She stood still staring straight at me in the eyes.
” Hello dear, may I help you with anything.?” She asks.
“Oh, ah yes please, I am in search for a secondhand broom.”
“Right over here.”
I followed her to the brooms when I realized there a dark, gloomy shadow behind me. I turn around to find the broomstick was floating above my head in the air. The old lady who I now realized was now a witch asks me “just two today?”.
” Ah, ah yes please.” I make my way over to the desk covered in dust.
” That will be $5 thankyou.” I
stand there still, in shock, with my eyes wide open staring straight at the back wall. I was terrified.
I
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Jemma,
Here is some feedback.
You are focusing on writing too much of a narrative. You need to be describing the store itself. This means specific details about the sights, sounds, smells etc. You are writing about the experience of being there rather than the actual location itself.
Be wary of your spelling, grammar and punctuation. There are errors showing up in your piece that need to be addressed.
Whenever you start writing about a new idea, it needs to start its own paragraph. This also holds true for dialogue. Any time there is a new speaker, it starts a new paragraph.
Keep at it.
Mr Johnson
Hi Jemma,
In addition to the previous feedback,
You are repeating your sentence starters a lot. Add variety for greater impact.
Some of your description is unclear and difficult to understand.
Read your work out loud to help you catch those moments.
Mr Johnson